So yesterday Obama made a much-hyped historic speech about the Middle East that was supposed to be “comprehensive and sweeping”. But what did he actually say? Let me sum up:
Hillary is great and she works for me. I’m the boss of her. Enough about her. The past half year, big stuff has been happening in the Middle East – “Change”. Extraordinary “Change.” (Just like my campaign slogan – Change). I brought the troops home from Iraq! (pause to polish Nobel Peace medal). I broke the Taliban (please ignore media reports that the US military will now partner with them). And , drum roll, please, I killed Bin Laden! Who was a really bad man, but actually already irrelevant, so those of you who liked him or felt he was your spiritual daddy, please, please, please don’t feel too bad. Forget him and let’s talk about Change.
(Insert flattering paeans and touching homilies to protesters in Tunisia, Egypt, Yemen, Libya, and Syria here.)
Now let’s talk about the USA. USA will still focus on the war on terra, keeping the oil flowing, keeping Israel safe (bet no one sees me crossing my fingers as I say this), and keeping the peace.
(Insert naming the good guys – Egypt, Tunisia, and the bad guys Quackdaffy, @ssad, Bahrain in the middle, and Iran supervillain, here).
Now the big news — we love Egypt so much, we are giving them $$$2 Billion Dollars$$$ in baksheesh! Yes, look how we much money we are willing to bribe them with so they will be as much our friend as our dear departed Mubarak. And we will make the World Bank and the IMF (snicker) give Tunisia money too! You too can get $$$CASH$$$, dear Middle East Muslim Brothers, if only you will please be our friends. Mmmwah. Kiss Kiss. We will willingly take money from our sick and elderly and flood-devastated and give it to you, because we want you so much to be our friend and keep letting out dear tax-exempt Oil Company Cronies have complete access to your oil.
But wait, there’s more! We know how you hate our longtime ally there with the old out-dated religion, and just between you and me and the world, I don’t like them much either, so as a mark of my willingness to be your friend, I promise to tie them up so you can get your whacks in at them and look the other way while you beat them up. I promise that I will be on YOUR side at the negotiating table at which I was supposed to be the impartial referee — your starting low-ball bid is what I will guarantee!
In closing, the USA invented democracy and freedom and anyone who disagrees with me is a raycist.
Please, please, love me.
(Signed) Barry (call me Hussein) Obama.
So, you see how it is, people of the Arab world: Obama desperately needs your friendship and your oil and he will give you all your heart desires to get it. But once he is your friend he will probably treat you just the way he treated Mubarak and Netanyahu. Would you break bread with this man?
So you see how it is, Israel: This is the man your friends and families in the Jewish-American community voted for and donated to. And they want to re-elect him. If you have any way of breaking through their koolaide-induced fugue state, please do it. Good luck.
So you see how it is, America: “Our” President cares more about Middle East Muslim Brothers than he does about Middle-Class Americans. He doesn’t have money to create jobs, to provide healthcare, to repair tornado and flood destroyed homes, to provide decent lives for seniors from money they already set aside from their working days, but he always has money to bail out his friends on Wall Street, in the Oil Companies, and in the Middle East. But let’s vote for him because the media says anyone who challenges him is crazy, racist, and stupid.