This Guy Is My New Role Model


Girl: “When did you know that grandma was the one?”

Grandpa: “When her sister dumped me.”


This is another open thread thingie.


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About Myiq2xu™

Peaceful coexistence or mutually assured destruction. Your choice.
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75 Responses to This Guy Is My New Role Model

  1. myiq2xu says:
  2. myiq2xu says:
    • Somebody says:

      How could that be? Isn’t it the religion of peace?

      • 49erDweet (D) says:

        Common mistake. “Piece” was malinterpreted in the original whilst discoursing on the practice of dismemberment during thoughtful worship.

  3. Somebody says:

    OMG my obamabot neighbors up the street are off the chain. They ride up and down the street a couple of times a week taking notes about “infractions”, they’ve been caught sneaking into people’s backyards too. They constantly call animal control over any dog bark, they’ve lured several cats into traps with chicken and tuna and taken them to the animal shelter or had animal control pick them up. This is a kill shelter and people have lost their pets. Don’t even think about fire crackers on the 4th, instant police call. In other words these people are A-1 asshole, busy bodies.

    Apparently they lifted the association’s logo off the website to use as a letterhead and they’ve been sending out letters pretending to be the homeowner’s association. The association doesn’t know this for sure, but they think it’s them. Evidently they send stacks of reports to the association every week of infractions and demand action. The association ignores 99% of them, because they’re petty. Now all of the sudden people are getting letters that the association didn’t send and they match the reports of the bots.

    OMG, you just know if they start signing up brown shirts these people will be at the front of the line! I got a letter last week telling me I had 10 days to repair a scratch on my mailbox post. I had to hunt to find a scratch as it we repainted it about six months ago…….I just circle filed the letter and thought WTF…..now I know.

    • myiq2xu says:

      Do you own a dog? If not, obtain a recording of a dog barking. Play it when you are sure they’ll hear it.

      Your response when animal control shows up is quite truthful. “I don’t even own a dog!”

      • myiq2xu says:

        If you really put your mind to it there are lots of fun ways to gaslight/get even with your neighbors.

        Just ask my old neighbors.

        • Somebody says:

          Well we are all going to have to figure something out. The word is out now though. When we came home earlier almost everybody was outside in the middle of the street talking about this, they called me over and told me. Then we all started comparing notes as to what letters we’d gotten lately.

          I couldn’t really play a dog barking that they could hear from my house, we are at opposite ends of the street, but maybe someone else could do that. I don’t think I have to worry about it because some of the other neighbors were talking about some things and I know 3 of them were not just talking they’ll get even, LOL!

          I just couldn’t believe what complete asshats these people are. I hate homeowner’s associations anyway, but if you live in Florida it’s almost impossible to avoid them. Any neighborhood built from the late 80’s forward is required by law to have an association. Older neighborhoods of a certain size must have them too. The only places where you can avoid them would be the same areas where someone could put a trailer next to a million dollar home. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

        • DandyTiger says:

          Funny, that’s my specialty too. It’s so easy, and fun too. Those types of neighbors, though they think they’re clever, are usually stunningly stupid.

          • myiq2xu says:

            One of my favorites is a total mind-coitus. Open the gas cap on their car and leave it open. You WANT them to notice. Then sprinkle some sugar around the OUTSIDE of the fill spout. They will assume someone put sugar in their gas tank and have it towed in and the tank removed and flushed.

            BTW – 1 gallon of diesel fuel added to the tank won’t ruin a car engine, but it will make that car run really bad for a while.

        • Somebody says:

          Note to self……never buy house next to Myiq or Dandy Tiger!!!

          Nah, I’m a live and let live kind of person…….but apparently I wouldn’t want to piss either of you off!

        • DandyTiger says:

          Starting to think my bear traps might have been overkill…

          • myiq2xu says:

            Using their information and a blocked phone, set them up for all kinds of estimates, free demonstrations and new services. Order pizzas delivered. You can have lots of fun with this one.

        • Somebody says:

          Bear traps??? Gas tanks??? Mind f*cks?? OMG I need to hire you guys!

          • myiq2xu says:

            I heard that the US Post Office has this thing called a “change of address” form. I hear that if you fill in their name and address along with where you want their mail to go it can take weeks to straighten out. Don’t leave any fingerprints though, it’s a federal offense to tamper with the mail.

        • Lulu says:

          Have a block party and invite everyone but them. Get a permit from the city to be in the street ready for when they call the cops. Music, kids running and screaming, lots of flaming barbeque grills, dog fights, drunken singing, everyone wearing a bathing suit and sunburned with their ass hanging out. Good times!

        • Somebody says:

          Lulu we have block parties several times a year and even if they’re invited they don’t come. We definitely get loud and drunk, the cops have come a few times but they just tell us to keep it down.

        • DandyTiger says:

          Send them an official looking invite to the White House to meet Obama. But they have to pay to get there.

        • Lulu says:

          Somebody, seriously I think they are committing some type of fraud. Using the identity of the legal authority over your property rights is serious. Not only are they depriving the property owners the enjoyment of their property, they are trying to make you spend money. Try to get a HOA board member to go with you to talk to the city attorney, zoning commission, county attorney or whoever would have jurisdiction. I live in city in Texas and all of the above would not be pleased with this form of identity fraud and would put a stop to it.

        • DandyTiger says:

          Good catch Lulu. They probably are committing fraud. Pff, legal recourse, you’re no fun. 🙂

        • insanelysane says:

          Once, right after Christmas, I put a $2.00 ad in the local rag that said
          “I will donate $1.00 to the Red Cross for every C-mas tree dropped off here.”
          and gave the address of some MF who ripped me off the past summer.
          ( didn’t pay for work completed )
          Heh, I got great joy watching all the old discarded trees pile up on his front lawn.
          FTR…I did donate the money.

        • Somebody says:

          That’s funny insanelysane!

    • 49erDweet (D) says:

      These precious people need sack loads of dog poo randomly catapulted into their backyard several times a month. They could be a fun project on “how to make your neighbor move”.

      • Somebody says:

        Man don’t I wish they would move! The obot across the street moved last year and the people that bought his house are awesome!

        The obot that lived there kept telling us in 2008 we HAD to vote for Obama because he was going to heal the planet. He would get all worked up and cry and shit. Obots are out of place in this area it’s mostly rural and deep red, but as I said before it’s becoming more of an exurb.

        • 49erDweet (D) says:

          Since the statute of limitations (ask myiq) has run I can tell you a junk bowling ball rolled across a wooden front porch during the wee hours has an exhilarating effect on the deep sleeper. It is even more profound if the ball has been put through a fire and is out-of-round.

        • Somebody says:

          I didn’t do this, but some kids did this in my last neighborhood. They road around with a slingshot and would hurl a big rock right into the middle of your garage door. OMG, you wouldn’t believe the sound it made it would wake anybody up. Unfortunately for them their car stalled and the man they woke was armed and thought his house had been shot at…….didn’t end well for one of the teenagers.

          They did it to my house and I swear it sounded like a shotgun blast.

        • Lulu says:

          Part of our property is wooded. Several years ago my husband was doing something outside and saw some young people having sex in our woods. He motioned to me over from the deck and we snuck up on them. We started making suggestions on how they could improve what they were doing. We were very clinical and harsh in our critique. They stumbled and ran like scalded cats. We laughed so hard we couldn’t walk back into the house.

        • Somebody says:

          You’re one cool customer Lulu and quick on your feet. We had a jacuzzi in our backyard at our last house. One night in the wee hours I heard noises outside. I went outside to find the next door neighbor’s teenage daughter and her boyfriend having sex my jacuzzi. I should have handled it the way you did, but I lost my instead I lost my cool and yelled at them.

          The joke was on me when I told a few people about that incident. I found out the bachelor across the street routinely used my jacuzzi in the middle of the night…….a friend of mine also confessed to bringing dates by a few times and two couples on the street confessed to having a few romps in our jacuzzi when we were out of town. O.M.G. If I ever put in another jacuzzi it will be monitored with a webcam and a big sign that states so.

      • DandyTiger says:

        You know, a good switch from an apple tree, with small apples stuck on the end can be thrown a good 300 yards with pretty good accuracy. Um, I heard that somewhere.

        • Somebody says:

          Really? I happen to have an apple tree in my backyard, hmmmm

        • DandyTiger says:

          They’re a sight to behold. Just the right amount of flexibility and spring, but not too much. Getting a pretty new limb is key. And a young, small, green apple makes a perfect projectile. It’s natures arsenal.

          • myiq2xu says:

            Ever seen a water balloon launcher? Those things have lots of range too. Use them at night from your back yard and they’ll never figure out where the balloons are coming from.

        • DandyTiger says:

          Best thing, fill your water balloons with a strong plant killing liquid, that kills grass). Then launch them into their yard. Makes for an unsightly, blotchy, yard. Um, I’ve heard.

          • myiq2xu says:

            Round-up in a weed sprayer, a front lawn and four letter words are always a good combo. Watching the letters slowly materialize gives you days of enjoyment.

        • DandyTiger says:

          And of course, just an old fashion egging through an open car window can be satisfying.

        • DandyTiger says:

          Some of these issues are probably the main reason I became a chemistry major. And probably the main reason I realized it would not be a bad idea and switched.

      • swanspirit says:

        CATAPULTS! Why didn’t I think of that ! my neighbor has motion sensor lights and ADT security , and probably cameras too … but catapults !!AWESOME

        • myiq2xu says:

          I once put a surveillance camera in my backyard – pointed over the fence at my neighbor’s yard. I didn’t even try to hide it. It didn’t work but they didn’t know that.

          It really freaked them out.

        • swanspirit says:

          My “neighbor” is superstitious, I bought a rather large stone gargoyle and faced it toward his house . He doesn’t like it , I can tell . One of these days I am going to remember to get the glow in the dark paint and spray paint it 😈

        • swanspirit says:

          Yes they do , , a fellow gargoyle user , that doesn’t happen every day !

    • HELENK says:

      there used to be a law ” common scold” that fits your neighbors. i do not know if all states have it but it would be worth looking into. Can you image the shocked look if the police came to them and told them they were being charged? Stand outside and take pictures

  4. 49erDweet (D) says:

    Where is Art Linkletter saying, “Aren’t we Devils?” when we need him?

  5. Somebody says:

    OK…..OK, I’ll stop playing innocent, I might have jacked with a few people in my lifetime.

    We had neighbors below us in an aprtment that were really loud and played their TV so loud you it was louder than ours. So one day we put the stereo speakers face down on the floor, turned the stereo up full blast and left for the day.

    My current neighbor kept letting his dog shit in my yard, so I collected it and when I had enough I covered his door mat and had enough to make a trail down the middle of his sidewalk.

    This witch in my old neighborhood started some nasty rumors about me…..she was really into having a pristine yard so I poured vapan all over her yard late one night. It killed everything including her trees.

    Another witch in the PTA screwed me over, she just happened to be severely allergic to poison ivy. A good friend of mine lived next door to her so we gathered poison ivy for weeks, then when the bitch was sunning herself by her pool we had a bonfire of poison ivy! You should have seen her, LOL!!! Anytime I saw her I’d start singing the song “Poison Ivy”.

    OK that’s enough…….I feel like that kid in the Goonies movie! But I’m always up for tips and you two certainly sound like pros so keep the tips coming. Maybe Myiq should have a special how to jack with your neighbor thread!

    BTW how do you do a blocked number??? Back in the old days I signed a few people up for dating lists and lesbian support groups and I’ve certainly pulled some phone pranks, but not since caller id.

    • myiq2xu says:

      *67 before you dial. Or use one of those pre-paid cell phones.

      The ultimate in mind-coitus is when you play Lucky Pierre in a threesome – screw with two neighbors (or co-workers) at the same time, and convince each one that it is the other one doing it.

      • Somebody says:

        OMG……have you ever lived in Florida??? Years ago I was in a situation like that and I swear I didn’t have anything to do with it, but somebody sure convinced a friend of mine.

    • DandyTiger says:

      On a land line, dialing *67 before the number will block your caller ID. It’s not fool proof, so it’s usually better to find an alternative. Cell phones vary depending on type of cell radio and carrier.

      Skype can be set up to not give a name or phone number. Perhaps your best bet other than a public phone.

    • Lulu says:

      A few weeks ago a distraught woman kept calling our landline accusing me of sleeping with her husband. It is unlisted and I told her she had a wrong number. She kept calling so I told her he was the best I had ever had, blah,blah, blah. She called again and I picked up and she was screaming. My husband took the phone and said he is the best he had ever had, blah, blah, blah. She did not call back.

      • DandyTiger says:

        LOL. Priceless.

      • Somebody says:

        That’s funny Lulu!

        I had a similar experience except I’m not as quick on my feet. My cell phone number is very close to a local rehab hospital room number, if you transpose the second and third numbers (prefix). So I get calls all the time for people trying to find their crack whore that’s drying out.

        Once a lady called me insisting she found my number in her husband’s cell phone. I told her she had the wrong number but she wouldn’t quit so I hung up. She kept calling and calling me for hours. Then it dawned on me she probably transposed the numbers. So I called her and she went off on me…….oh I thought you didn’t KNOW my husband, blah, blah. I let her vent and then I suggested she check to see if she was transposing the prefix. She called me back the next day and confessed she had and thanked me for the tip. Thanks to me she knew where to find the girlfriend and apparently found her husband there too visiting.

        • Lulu says:

          You are a nicer person than I am. People go crazy about that stuff. When I was younger and friends told me that their significant other was into things that they did not like I always counseled pretend everything is fine and clean out the bank account before they know that you know. Then pretend how happy you are to get rid of them. I think that is why I have been married so long. He knows I would throw a party if he left just for meanness.

        • Somebody says:

          You should have counseled my sister!

    • Somebody says:

      Helenk did you see my note to you in the last thread??

      • HELENK says:

        just read it now. Sacramento does have a good railroad museum.
        Some times around Christmas there are Christmas Trains in various parts of the country. Metrolink used to have one that started the weekend after Thanksgiving and ran every week end to every line on the system. Check the area where you live and see if any are running. Between San Francisco and San Jose they used have a steam train run around Christmas. Many of these trains are private owned and have volunteers run them with a pilot from the railroad that owns the line. Kids love them

        • Somebody says:

          Yes there are two in this general area, but both of them are about 3 hours away. Savannah isn’t that far, but the lines from this museum don’t connect to the main line, that’s next on their list.

          The grandbaby is only 2, so I think maybe in another year doing an overnight to one of the places with the excursions…..especially around Christmas would be nice.

        • HELENK says:

          here is Metro link’s Christmas train. i used to love calling the crews for this train. Especially went it went to Camp Pendelton and the guys overseas would get to see their kids

        • Somebody says:

          Oh wow the one near here is sort of a polar express type thing, no Christmas lights.

      • HELENK says:

        this site might help you

        http://www.santastrainrides.com/

  6. HELENK says:

    http://thehill.com/blogs/regwatch/finance/290847-report-recommends-halting-stock-act-disclosure-requirement

    how odd disclosure would violate national security. do not want the public to see how politicians make their money

  7. angienc (D) says:

    Girl: “When did you know that grandma was the one?”

    Grandpa: “When her sister dumped me.”

    This is actually how my dad started dating my mom — he was out with her sister at a popular club but soon realized that she was using him to make some other guy jealous (i.e., when her plan succeeded & the other guy came over to talk to her & she started ignoring my dad). So he started talking to my mom (who happened to be there with a group of friends) & the rest is history.

    • Somebody says:

      Cute story Angie. I dated and was actually engaged to a guy my sister used only for a date to the prom. He left right after graduation for the military, he would call and write her and my sister ignored him. I started writing him back because I felt sorry for him and then he started writing and calling me!

      It didn’t work out for us though once he got home. He was way too jealous and too much of a control freak and I was too much of a flirt and rebellious. Our relationship worked much better when he was away, LOL! It was for the best because I ended up with my very own prince charming a few years later.

  8. westcoaster says:

    Gordon from Sesame Street dumped his partner after 40 years. (both he and Maria had spouses on Sesame Street but partners in real life. It’s amazing what they kept from us children- teaching about death but not about partners)
    http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/how_to_get_to_sexame_street_zq31GPcbAXwzqEX57UMs4M

  9. HELENK says:

    somebody

    you are not alone with neighbors from hell

    http://www.wtsp.com/video/default.aspx?bctid=2258468632001

    • 49erDweet (D) says:

      Perfect catch for this site, Helen. Poor idiot is too used to getting his own way in life. Methinks he needs a bit of our therapy, above, applied

    • Somebody says:

      That dude is stupid, out of all the people to jack with he picks not just a special ops guy, but one that’s good enough to train special ops.

      Of course because of who he is and what job he holds the special ops guy has to walk on egg shells. Maybe he’ll stumble by here and pick up a few ideas!

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