I have of late—but wherefore I know not—lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises, and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air—look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire—why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors.
~Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2
Anybody else suffering Trayvon Martin-George Zimmerman fatigue? I know I am. Perhaps you’re wondering why, if that’s the case, I’d bother to throw up another post on the subject? Amirite?
Look, I blog for a lot of reasons. I blog to vent, to make intelligent contributions to the national conversation, to mock idiots, and sometimes, every once in a while, I blog to pour my ever-aching heart out. This is one of those posts.
Because shit is jacked beyond belief, and there is not one person of national stature trying to make it right. That hurts. And it’s scary. It’s also gotten tiring as hell. But this post isn’t necessarily about the Martin-Zimmerman nexus of our discourse as much it is about pointing out how that conversation is indicative of where we are and where we’re going.
I’m fucking exhausted watching the ping-pong back and forth between the factions. And there aren’t just two. It’s like a ping-pong free-for-all, with balls flying all over the place from every direction. America is having a national food fight right now, in July, when the food rots fast in the heat and stinks to high heaven. Fuck squirrels; we got dead skunks in the middle of the road.
Yeah, I like to fly fast and loose with metaphors and analogies. It is what it is. That’s what America gets for allowing a poor-ass creative type to get a degree in shit like rhetoric. I don’t apologize for it.
ANYway, I feel like we’re out of control, like we’re hurtling toward some unknown destination on a broken down train that might explode before we get there. FUCK! When is this shit going to stop? Never? Is that the right answer? I don’t know. I do know it’s going to be jack-shit crazy as long as Obama, or anyone of his ilk, is in the White House. Remember, we were preceded by someone of his ilk prior to him. And all kinds of people of his ilk are positioning to succeed him in the years to come.
Oh, I know, you’re looking at Hillary and Biden and you’re nodding your head, but I’m talking about so many more than just those two.
I’m talking about the Rahms and the Weiners on the left, and emergent populist libertarians on the right. I know, I know, Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are heroes, heroes, I tell ya, but you can’t seriously think, when you stop and actually think about it, that it’s beyond reason to suspect that that movement is being put together so seamlessly it could be a Trojan horse, right? I mean, recall that, once upon a time we were, most of us, on the progressive gravy train as well. I mean that shit, once upon a time, was beyond reproach.
Even if that fails, there’s always the uber-authoritarians on the right like Chris-fucking-Christy and Rick Perry just waiting in the wings. It might come from somewhere not even in our field of vision yet; George W. Bush and Obama both came out of what looked like thin air at the time. Remember when we laughed in 2000 and 2008 over whether Bush’s son or a man with a name like Barack Hussein Obama could win the presidency? Yeah, me too.
I remember when I was a kid and I fell in love with this country. It’s been one of the dominant threads of my life, this love I have for who we are, how we were founded, and what we’ve stood for. But I’m rapidly losing it. I’ve fought long and hard NOT to lose it, and maybe that’s why this shift I feel happening in my psyche seems to hurt so much. I want to be who I am, a naturally positive, hopeful person who believes in the power of right over might. But these days, as I look around at this bullshit waste of a national argument, as I look with a new and longer eye toward history, I honestly wonder where the fuck I got the crazy notions that have driven my life. And I want to give up. I want to chuck it all and become a hedonist, and I have despised hedonists almost as much as I’ve despised fascists and vile progs (but I repeat myself). I mean, really, what IS the point of living life just for yourself?
But then I think, what is the point of not?
I chafe under the awareness of my own powerlessness in all of this. I could keep talking, keep trying to contribute, but what. is. the. point? No one is listening, or going to. Persistence pays off only so far, unless one has money and connections, and I have neither. We’ve carved out a nice little safety hovel here at TCH, but we’re throwing echoes into the wind. We’re all (or most) already convinced. And while it’s so nice to know that we’re not alone, what are we really accomplishing?
I fucking hate this shit. When I was a young woman nihilism threatened to overwhelm me, and I fought hard against it. I have written volumes on the dangers of giving up and giving in, knowing that that IS the POINT of all this shit. Of the brawls between our political parties, our races, our classes, etc. TBTB (gawd, how I hate that term) want us to tune out. They want their little armies of true believers to fight their proxy wars for control of the riches, both material and spiritual, that this country is capable of producing. That’s why the pool has to be poisoned, so those who want to survive will get the fuck out of it, and leave it to the martyrs who are willing to sacrificing everything about themselves to the foul causes of their masters.
That’s where we are. And it is probably where we are going. And I didn’t want another day to pass without calling it for what it is, without owning the ache in my heart over the hopelessness of it all. That is all. Like Roger Waters, I thought I’d something more to say…