It was “Got drunk and had sex and then regretted it later-rape”

Premiere Of Universal Pictures' "This Is 40" - Arrivals


It sure as hell wasn’t “rape-rape”.

In Not That Kind of Girl Dunham tells us why denial is simpler, at least in the beginning

The most remarkable part of Lena Dunham’s new memoir Not That Kind of Girl: A Young Woman Tells You What She’s “Learned” begins with a seemingly unremarkable story. Dunham writes a darkly humorous essay about a time she realized in the middle of sex that a condom she thought her partner had put on was hanging from a nearby plant.

“I think…? the condom’s…? In the tree?” I muttered feverishly.

“Oh,” he said, like he was as shocked as I was. He reached for it as if he was going to put it back on, but I was already up, stumbling towards my couch, which was the closest thing to a garment I could find. I told him he should probably go, chucking his hoodie and boots out the door with him. The next morning, I sat in a shallow bath for half an hour like someone in one of those coming-of-age movies.”

It’s an experience similar to a scene you might see on her HBO show Girls: a little disturbing and a little funny with a lot of nudity.

But then Dunham does something interesting: after finishing out the chapter, entitled “Girls & Jerks,” she forces the reader to double back. “I am an unreliable narrator,” she writes. And with those words, we dive back into the story of Barry, the guy who flung the condom into the tree. “[I]n another essay in this book I describe a sexual encounter with a mustachioed campus Republican as the upsetting but educational choice of a girl who was new to sex when, in fact, it didn’t feel like a choice at all.”

Lena Dunham says she was raped, though she didn’t immediately know that it was rape.

Like many college girls, a mix of alcohol, drugs, unspoken expectations and shame may have kept her from using the “r” word to refer to the act until years later. She says that she rewrote history in her head, coming up with many versions (including the one above). The real tale — or what she remembers of it — is much more painful. It begins at a party where Dunham is alone, drunk and high on Xanax and cocaine. It’s in that state that she runs into Barry, who she describes as “creepy,” and who sets off an alarm of “uh-oh” in her head as soon as she sees him.

Barry leads me to the parking lot. I tell him to look away. I pull down my tights to pee, and he jams a few of his fingers inside me, like he’s trying to plug me up. I’m not sure whether I can’t stop it or I don’t want to.

Leaving the parking lot, I see my friend Fred. He spies Barry leading me by the arm toward my apartment (apparently I’ve told him where I live), and he calls out my name. I ignore him. When that doesn’t work, he grabs me. Barry disappears for a minute, so its just Fred and me.

“Don’t do this,” he says.

“You don’t want to walk me home, so just leave me alone,” I slur, expressing some deep hurt I didn’t even know I had. “Just leave me alone.”

He shakes his head. What can he do?

After the two return to her apartment, Dunham does everything she can to convince herself that what’s happening is a choice. “I don’t know how we got here, but I refuse to believe it’s an accident,” she writes. She goes on to describe the event in graphic detail. Once he has forced himself on her, she talks dirty to him, again, to convince herself that she’s making a choice. But she knows she hasn’t given her consent. When she sees the condom in the tree — she definitely did not consent to not using a condom — she struggles away and throws him out.

Dunham — drunk and high — was in no condition to consent according to the new rules being implemented at many campuses across the country. And in Dunham’s second story, the thrown away condom and Barry’s aggressiveness make it clear that he did not care about what Dunham wanted.

It’s her roommate that first tells her the encounter was a rape, though Dunham doesn’t believe her: “Audrey’s pale little face goes blank. She clutches my hand and, in a voice reserved for moms in Lifetime movies, whispers, ‘You were raped.’ I burst out laughing.”


First of all, does anyone else find it suspicious that this “memoir” containing the story of an alleged rape has been released just weeks before the midterm election? Dunham is an enthusiastic supporter of Obama and the Democrats, who just happen to be pushing a “GOP War on Women” campaign theme.

But wait! There’s more!

“Girls” creator Lena Dunham writes in her new memoir that she was raped as a 19-year-old college student. Over the course of two chapters, she explains that it took her years to come to terms with what happened and to be able to talk about the complexities of her experience in a way that felt truthful to her.

In the chapter “Girls & Jerks,” Dunham recalls an “ill-fated evening of lovemaking” with an infamous on-campus Republican. Describing the lead-up to the incident, she writes: “All I knew when I stumbled home from a party behind him was that he was sullen, thuggish, and a poor loser at poker. How that led to intercourse was a study in the way revulsion can quickly become desire when mixed with the right muscle relaxants.”


Still think it’s a coincidence?

Okay, lets discuss the actual allegations. After going to a party for an evening of underage drinking and illegal drug use, both of which appear to have been voluntary, Dunham chooses to have sex with a jerk. I’m gonna go out on a limb as say that he had probably been drinking too. That is NOT rape. It’s drunken sex.

I can testify from lots of personal experience that drunk people frequently do stupid shit. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions. Sometimes people have trouble remembering the stupid shit they did when they sober up. That is all part of the appeal of drinking. Part of college culture is drinking, drugs and “hooking up” with other students for sex.

“Under the influence” is not the same thing as “too drunk to consent”. You can be under the influence after a couple drinks, but you are still legally responsible for your choices and actions. Short of being passed out it is hard to define when someone is too drunk to consent to sex. You have to look at the alleged victim’s words and actions to see if you can determine their mental state at the time. But a person can be blacked out and still be conscious, giving the appearance of being in control of themselves.

Rape is a serious crime. There is no such thing as misdemeanor rape. It is a felony, and anyone convicted of rape is required to register as a sex offender for the rest of their lives.

On the other hand, the criminal justice system provides criminal defendants with a presumption of innocence, and requires that the prosecution prove a case beyond reasonable doubt. Rape is defined as nonconsensual sex. That is fairly easy to prove if the defendant broke in thru a window and held a knife to the woman’s throat.

But in the real world of human sexual activity, consent is rarely explicit, especially in the beginning. For years the rule was “No means no” which is a reasonable bright line rule. If a woman says “no” then you must stop.

But what if she never says “no”? What if she voluntarily removes her clothing and then talks dirty? Did she consent? What if she really didn’t want to have sex but she was too embarrassed to say anything? What if she was sexually aggressive/promiscuous while under the influence and then ashamed of what she did when she sobered up?

There has been a recent movement centered around college campuses to change the rule to “Yes means yes” which would require explicit consent when the woman is completely sober. This rule would criminalize a lot of commonplace behavior.

If Lena Dunham had been slipped a roofie and passed out and woke up the next day to discover that someone had sex with her while she was unconscious, that would be rape. But that isn’t what happened. She voluntarily got drunk, voluntarily had sex, and then regretted it later.

That is NOT rape.


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About Myiq2xu™

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This entry was posted in Crime, Feminism, Feminists Gone Wild, Sex, Sexism and Misogyny and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

132 Responses to It was “Got drunk and had sex and then regretted it later-rape”

  1. Somebody says:

    It doesn’t sound like rape to me. It sounds like a bad one night stand she regrets. I don’t know what the deal was with Fred, but apparently there were some issues between the two. Notice Fred tries to convince her not to take Barry home. It sounds to me like perhaps she and Barry were already all over each other, otherwise why would Fred be concerned? If Barry was just innocently escorting her home that wouldn’t set off Fred’s radar, at least I don’t think so.

    Were she and Fred a couple or had they been a couple? Did she have a thing for Fred and he rejected her? It sounds to me like she hooked up with Barry out of some kind of spite toward Fred. That’s all too typical behavior of young women that age, especially with the mix of alcohol and drugs.

    I just love the fact that the villain is also a republican, that’s too cute by half don’t you think?

  2. HELENK3 says:

    women who cry rape when there is no rape make me very angry. There are real cases of rape that need to be prosecuted. It seems to me that she put herself in a position to have sex and then wants to cry poor picked on virgin. Sometimes you have to take responsibility for your own actions. She seems to have very bad judgement in sexual partners, that is not rape, that is just bad judgement.

    • The Klown says:

      It is one thing to say that Barry was a jerk. It is another thing entirely to say that what he did was criminal. Not just criminal – a serious felony.

    • DeniseVB says:

      Rape is a crime, drunken flings between two consenting drunks are not. I wish these New Feminist Manhaters would learn the difference. And young ladies, if you’re going to drink, fix your own and never take your eyes off it. And young men, if she’s been drinking, run, run fast !

      • foxyladi14 says:

        honk

      • Mary says:

        Are these “New Feminist Mahaters” too stupid to know that “young ladies” should NEVER go to a wild party drunk, drugged, and ALONE. If you don’t have a date, you go with friends or don’t go.

        I’m also offended that she was absolutely sure that the so-called sullen rapist was a Republican. You know, like only Republican men are like that.

        Hate to sound un-sympathetic, but Lena Dunham is a dipshit.

    • leslie says:

      I could have been for me I gotta tell ya. I learned a lot from my mother – after she passed away 3 years ago. I learned it from the speakers at her memorial – Her Grandchildren, and my SIL. So now, I let the *almost* 4 year old ride the big wheel inside my apt. She doesn’t want to get it dirty outside! and since I’m on the 1st flr, no one is disturbed below. And I let her jump on the bed, and nap on the floor under the “tent” we make. She can say, “Tikki-tikki-tembo-no-sa-Rembo- Charri-Barri-Ruchi- Pip- Peri-Pembo has fallen into the well”, without batting an eye. She has learned to decorate band-aids when I run out of ready-made fun strips. My son asks why I let her do things that I didn’t let them do, and I say “because ……I’m her grandmother.” I ask him why he liked going to my mother’s and then he nods and smiles. (I also taught her to say “bronco bama”)
      😉

  3. Somebody says:

    I don’t like these new rules as far as what defines rape. They basically put young men in the position of being guilty until they prove their innocence. If I had a college age son I’d suggest he get written permission slips before engaging in sex. The new rules are criminalizing what is fairly common place behavior for young adults.

    In the case Dunham describes under the new rules Barry’s life most likely would have been ruined. Once she sobered up and regretted the one night stand then she could have cried rape. Given the fact that she was drinking and taking drugs, plus who her daddy is, Barry wouldn’t have stood a chance.

    • The Klown says:

      If I was on a jury with Barry as the defendant and the only evidence was the story given by Lena Dunham, no way would I vote to convict.

    • elliesmom says:

      Under the new rules most of the sex that happens in steamy romance novels is rape. A man who gently seduces a woman into having sex with him could be accused of rape if she wakes up in the morning and is at all upset by what happened the night before. Maybe it’s a plot to convince all young men to wait until they get married to have sex. That would be an odd twist to the sexual revolution. A full 180 degree turnaround. Sex outside of marriage used to be dangerous for women. Now it’s dangerous for men.

    • 49erDweet says:

      Apparently Hugh Hefner was wrong, then?

  4. The Klown says:

    How long before we see an expanded definition of rape by fraud to include “He said he loved me but he lied” and “He didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend/wife”?

  5. Lulu says:

    The entire human race is supposed to protect poor Lena from her lack of self control. Drunk boys were supposed to look out for her so her feelings were not hurt and so she didn’t have to live with regrets. Are you capable of perhaps understanding that your paramour may have been icked out by you as well? Everyone is supposed to love and commiserate with a grown woman who flashes her body on television. Please get some psychotherapy. I’m sorry that your father who makes a living painting women’s sexual orifices didn’t tell you that you have worth beyond endlessly flashing your snatch and discussing your pathetic self destructive behavior. Try writing something beyond your endless navel gazing. Maybe a cookbook. How about a how-to on investing or plumbing? There is a big wide world out there that isn’t about you.

  6. HELENK3 says:

    http://weaselzippers.us/201559-whats-racist-whats-not-as-of-friday-oct-3-2014/

    what is racist and what is not.
    another word that is thrown around very loosely

  7. DandyTIger says:

    But when Roman Polanski drugged and then had sex with a 13 year old, it wasn’t rape. This prog religion is complicated.

    • Lulu says:

      It entirely depends on who is sexing who. The power dynamic is very important to Progs so I think it is more about power/status, or the use of it, than biological urges. Polanski was/is powerful so it was OK. Dunham is now powerful so it wasn’t in hindsight. If she can retroactively get even with sex partners I hope no one is dumb enough to have sex with her in the future. She is a bad or dangerous choice.

      • Constance says:

        Well everything a Republican does is bad in Dunhams world so when Barry had sex with her it was bad and Polanski is not a Republican so when he had sex with a child it was good because everything Progressive people do is good in Dunhams world.

  8. DeniseVB says:

    Interesting review of Dunham’s book, a conservative viewpoint in the WSJ ….sad, unfunny, unsympathetic.

    http://online.wsj.com/articles/book-review-not-that-kind-of-girl-by-lena-dunham-1411760551

    • Constance says:

      Who would even buy Dunham’s book?

      • The Klown says:

        I wouldn’t read it if it was free.

        • Constance says:

          It will be really suspicious if it hits the top of some best sellers list. Wow I just checked my library and they have 496 holds on 49 copies of her book! I wish I could get a demo breakdown on those folks.

        • Constance says:

          Hhmmm… there are 69 holds on 12 downloadable copies of Dunham’s book. So I would guess it’s older people reading the book as it seems younger people would want to put the book on their E-reader.

          In other unrelated library news there are only 14 holds on 22 copies of the first season of Once Upon a Time on DVD! The college kids at work keep talking about this show so I’m excited to see it from the beginning!

  9. How come when this situation happens to a man, they never ever consider it rape, just a man making a mistake and regretting a one night stand? Legally a man cannot consent to sex either if he’s drunk but no one ever talks about this. Plus, what’s more scary is she “realized” it was rape and sadly with what the law says now that is just enough to get the man charged. This is absolutely sickening and not to mention a slap in the face to women who were actually raped. Thank you for sharing.

  10. The Klown says:

  11. DeniseVB says:

    For your daughters, if you want enjoyable reads by young, talented, liberal women who don’t resort to shocky rapey schtick, read books by Tina Fey, Mindy Kaling and Rachel Dratch. Totally enjoyed them and great lessons in hard work and perseverance.

  12. votermom says:

    I think this story is SHOCKING!
    There are campus Republicans in Oberlin?!!!!!!

  13. DandyTIger says:

    So two people voluntarily get drunk, then those two people voluntarily have sex. But only one can be raped. Equality?

  14. lyn says:

    I thought Barry was a euphemism for Obama.

  15. The Klown says:

    Hmmmph:

    She can rouse a crowd as she did here this week, connect with women and drive turnout among African-American voters. Yet despite the nail-biting closeness of state contests to decide which party will control the Senate, Michelle Obama has been largely absent from the campaign trail so far.

    She has her reasons, Democrats say: Mrs. Obama hates to be away from her daughters. She loathes Washington’s toxic politics. She resents Republicans for their opposition to her husband’s agenda. But she also believes some Senate Democrats have been insufficiently supportive of her own efforts to end childhood obesity.

    This month, though, Mrs. Obama is emerging to rally voters, mostly, it seems, on behalf of candidates for governor. On Friday, she was in Maine and Massachusetts for rallies, and later she will return to Wisconsin for another voter-mobilization event like the one she led here on Monday.

    But unlike Hillary Rodham Clinton, who as first lady crisscrossed the country for Democrats in 1998, visiting about 20 states, Mrs. Obama will keep to a fairly limited path. In a measure of how deeply unpopular her husband is in Republican-leaning battleground states, Democratic Senate candidates there worry that Mrs. Obama’s presence would tie them too closely to the president they are trying to distance themselves from, just as undecided voters are making up their minds.

    Being away from her daughters never interfered with her vacation plans.

  16. 1539days says:

    We already know the eventual outcome is that all sex is rape. I assume that means all heterosexual sex is rape, however.

    I think that guy may have been lacking some awareness to consent to sex with Dunham.

    • elliesmom says:

      Like no one ever got drunk and regretted having sex with someone of the same gender. Wait until the LGBT community wants their day in front of the college sex tribunals. All of the new coeds went to dinner at the campus priest’s house when I was in college. He was supposed to counsel the women who were a new feature of campus life, His take was a young woman choosing to go to an all male college should expect to be treated like a whore. And young men going to an all male college should expect a lot of gay sex. If you couldn’t handle it, go home. And any woman “crying rape” was going to end the “women on campus experiment”. So shut up if you stay. It was a wonderful meal. I will certainly never forget it.

  17. jeffhas says:

    I predict she never marries – or marries once and it quickly ends badly.

    She will have children in one of the cliche-progressive-one-parent-homes way… Which is not bad per se, unless you’re a self-absorbed monster that cannot maintain a relationship. She will claim her child (children) are normalized by her behavior (because it is all about her)… and then one day, late in life, she will realize all the horror she has done – and admit nothing to anyone else – why should she, none of her friends will hold her accountable either.

  18. swanspirit says:

    If you voluntarily get drunk , and voluntarily get into a car , and voluntarily put the key in the ignition , and voluntarily start the car and drive it , and then cause an accident , you are still legally responsible ; and not only does being drunk / on drugs not excuse you , your condition of drunkenness is also held against you . STFU Lena Dunham

    • Mary says:

      Word!
      I need to call my son and tell him thank you for not marrying a dipshit like Lena.
      Grateful for the strong, wonderful daughter-in-law I got. 🙂

  19. The Klown says:

  20. The Klown says:

    • DandyTIger says:

      Because evil Republicans what to enslave all women. Or something. Hyperbole is great with kids and stupid people. Oh wait, never mind, continue…

  21. DandyTIger says:

    Is the prog goal here to make the word rape meaningless like they made the word racist meaningless?

  22. votermom says:

    OT

    • Lulu says:

      As the mother of two youngish males I want to know how young men can be protected against drunk, cocaine and Xanex addled sex predators. It goes both ways Lena. You were a predator in my book.

      • Constance says:

        And Lena is a creep!

      • angienc says:

        My mom always told my brother 2 “rules” of sex: 1. Never, ever have sex with a girl for the first time if she’s been drinking, even if you’ve been drinking too; 2. never, ever have sex with a girl who is a virgin if you are not in love with her & in a serious relationship with her.
        Pretty good rules that can help guys avoid a lot of unintended consequences.

    • 1539days says:

      Breitbart.com is really ruining itself with all the pop-ups and ads. The video started playing an attack ad on a local Republican. Do they even look at whose money they’re taking?

      • The Klown says:

        Breitbart.com has changed a lot since Andrew’s death.

        • 1539days says:

          I used to make fun of sites like Kos because of all the advertising they used, because they couldn’t stay afloat. A lot of sugar daddies like Soros figured out it costs a tiny amount of money to buy off progs. It still doesn’t make their sites any better.

          I think rather than belt-tightening, conservative sites are monetizing, which is bad because they all aggregate the same information most of the time.

    • DeniseVB says:

      She could be making this all up, the real “Barry” (Obama, that is) did have a lot of composite girlfriends too. 😉 I wonder if that fella recognizes himself in the book and crapping his pants about now?

      It’s just so convenient this story comes out AND she’s an advocate for Campus Sexual Awareness or something? Maybe she should be advocating for no drugs/alcohol instead?

  23. HELENK3 says:

    off topic and worthy of outrage

    got a facebook message that Dallas was not renewed

  24. driguana says:

    I have no idea who this Lena Dunham person is so I have to pass on any comments. Do want to throw in Larry’s latest rant…
    http://www.noquarterusa.net/blog/77546/obamas-ebola-disaster/#more-77546

    • Mary says:

      Wow. Larry says Water Reed has been ordered to prepare for American soldiers who have contracted ebola in Liberia after being sent there. Jaysus.

  25. DeniseVB says:

    BO’s going cray-cray … losing his hispanics.

    http://www.ijreview.com/2014/10/184062-latino-heckler-president-obama-happened-change-can-believe/

    After 6 years are people starting to realize nothing’s changed?

  26. The Klown says:

    Weekly Republican Address: NY-21 Candidate Elise Stefanik:

    • 1539days says:

      She’s actually repeating a lot of the same energy policy Sarah Palin talked about.

      I don’t live in that district, but close enough that I hear a lot of the ads on the radio. Her opponent is a Democrat with ties to NYC, not a good thing in Upstate. He’s doing so bad the Democrats want to pull a Kansas and make him drop out so the Independent can win.

    • DeniseVB says:

      Very well done.

    • The Klown says:

      I used to tip-toe around certain issues because I wanted to avoid giving offense. Then I realized that it’s doesn’t matter because some people will be offended anyway.

      Now I don’t GAF anymore.

      • driguana says:

        Yep…it’s rapidly gotten that way hasn’t it. We had a friend walk out the other night a 1 AM and after 3 bottles of wine because I told her I didn’t care for 60 Minutes and their soft ass questions…..touchy touchy….3 bottles of whine….

  27. The Klown says:

  28. The Klown says:

    Denial is not a river in Iraq:

  29. The Klown says:

  30. The Klown says:

    TCH Poll:

    Is 3 pm too early to start drinking heavily?

  31. DeniseVB says:

    LOL, on this list …. Lena Dunham’s character on Girls as an example 😀

  32. lyn says:

    Just now from The Kelly File: “Medical personnel in hazmat suits at New Jersey’s Newark Liberty International Airport remove sick passenger from United Airlines flight that arrived from Brussels, Belgium.”

    • votermom says:

      A guy was puking. Hazmat peeps took him & his daughter. CDC saying nothing to worry about, he’s not contagious. I think the passengers have been allowed to leave.
      How can they tell that quickly that he’s not contagious? Doesn’t the test for Ebola take at least 12 hours?

      Edit: someone told me the test only takes 3 to 4 hours, not including blood draw and transportation of sample. So no way they know if he has Ebola or not.

    • Mary says:

      British press reporting father and daughter are from Liberia.

  33. Constance says:

    Words are going to stop Ebola I guess. But he might have had some problem like recent gastric sleeve surgery or a bad back and taken Vicodin so he could sit on the plane for hours. I still think they should have informed the passengers what was up so they won’t worry.

    • votermom says:

      So this United plane in Newark – did it go on to its next flight as usual? Did they let a new passenger sit in the puking guy’s seat?

  34. lyn says:

    Ebola guy is in critical condition. Will the hospital be sued if he dies?

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