Girls Don’t Poop!

The NYT is a shitty excuse for a newspaper.

Women Poop. At Work. Get Over It.

There once was a woman who walked regularly from her office in Midtown Manhattan to a hotel across the street in order to use the restroom, and that woman may have been one of us.

That woman had a friend, at another office job, who carried a book of matches and a can of air freshener in her purse — more willing to set off the office fire alarm than leave any hint of odor in a public lavatory.

That friend had another friend, at another office job, who repeatedly forced her body to do the deed so quickly — racing from cubicle to bathroom and back, in an effort to deflect attention from what she might be doing in there — that it led to a semi-serious hemorrhoid problem.

As her former colleague put it: “She was pooping at the speed of pee.”

Remember the children’s book, “Everyone Poops”? It is meant to teach kids that defecating is a natural, healthy part of digestion, and it does so by illustrating a wide variety of creatures — dogs, cats, snakes, whales, hippos, little boys — happily defecating. But you know who you won’t see defecating in that book, happily or unhappily? Women.

We may be living in an age where certain pockets of the corporate world are breathlessly adapting to women’s needs — company-subsidized tampons, salary workshops, lactation rooms. But even in the world’s most progressive workplace, it’s not a stretch to think that you might have an empowered female executive leading a meeting at one moment and then sneaking off to another floor to relieve herself, the next.

Poop shame is real — and it disproportionately affects women, who suffer from higher rates of irritable bowel syndrome and inflammatory bowel disease. In other words, the patriarchy has seeped into women’s intestinal tracts. Let’s call it the pootriarchy.

To defeat the pootriarchy use Poo-pourri!

Girls aren’t born with poo shame — it’s something they’re taught.

In “Psychology in the Bathroom,” the psychologist Nicholas Haslam writes that girls tend to be toilet trained earlier than boys, learning at a young age to neatly keep their bodily functions contained (our words, not his).

When those girls get a bit older, they learn to pass gas silently — while boys do it loudly, and think it’s hilarious. (Yes, there is a kind of Kinsey scale to gas-passing and it goes like this: According to a study called “Fecal Matters” that was published in a journal called “Social Problems,” adult heterosexual men are far more likely to engage in scatological humor than heterosexual women and are more likely to report intentionally passing gas. Gay men are less likely to intentionally pass gas than heterosexual women, and lesbian women are somewhere in between.)

“If a boy farts, everyone laughs, including the boy,” said Sarah Albee, the author of “Poop Happened!: A History of the World from the Bottom Up.” “If a girl farts, she is mortified.”

I always laugh when I fart. That’s why I’m laughing right now.

But girls don’t poop.

I would know. I grew up in a house with one bathroom and I have a mom and a sister. And I was married. Twice. And I have a daughter. None of them pooped. Ever.

On the other hand, I know about poop shame. I also know how filthy most public restrooms are. Plus I once saw a movie where a guy gets killed while sitting on the toilet. That is why I never poop in public restrooms. As a guy, I can use a public restroom to pee without ever touching anything with my hands – just the soles of my shoes. But sit on a public toilet? Not even with a hundred paper ass-gaskets between me and the seat.

Porta-potties? Fuhgeddaboutit.

About Myiq2xu - BA, JD, FJB

I was born and raised in a different country - America. I don't know what this place is.
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54 Responses to Girls Don’t Poop!

  1. Myiq2xu™ says:

  2. Myiq2xu™ says:

  3. DeniseVB says:

    LOL, I love this topic. I developed a tendency to IBS a couple of decades ago, and why I had memberships to carefully mapped museums for my NYC visits. No lines to get in, and great, clean bathrooms 😉

    I think it was my visit to that Deli guy from the Letterman show, bought a breakfast sandwich on my way to MoMa (a few blocks away, thank goodness). Immediate gurgling and discomfort kicked in right away, made it !

    IBS has a diet, I refuse to follow it. Also, I don’t travel far from home anymore 😀

  4. Dora says:

  5. Angie says:

    Panic in the DNC 🤣🤣🤣

  6. Angie says:

    Truth 🤣🤣🤣

  7. Woke Lola says:

    My God, the problems some women create for themselves. SMH

    I have never, not once, not in a previous life or this one ever hidden the fact that I’m pooping. I have never carried any instruments to try to hide the fact, never held it, and never felt shame about it. In a reverse Pauline Kael, I don’t know any woman who ever has.

    This must be one of those weird ass ivy league rich girl hysterical shame features. They need to get over themselves right quick, because while they are giving themselves hemorrhoids the rest of us ladies are out here living. FFS Stupid bitches. You can’t live with them, you shouldn’t fuck them, and they are definitely not presidential material like this.

    • Mt.Laurel says:

      I am trying to wrap my head around believing women walk though rain, sleet and snow to another building just to avoid anyone thinking they might be using the restroom for its intended purpose. My guess is if woman are heading to another local is is more likely forUse nicer facilities, to do little shopping on the side, Gossip, yes. Try and catch the eye of a cute guy, yes.

    • elliesmom says:

      I believe in keeping my bodily functions discreet. Like using a bathroom instead of pooping on the side of a police car. But I’m not going out in the cold to use a bathroom in a different building if there’s one in the building where I am.

  8. Angie says:

    She’s from Sweden, but funny nonetheless.

    Note: the Obama’s actually hung up prints of those horrid portraits of themselves. And look at the cheap frames–probably had to pay for them out of their own pockets.

  9. Angie says:

    What the US media will not show you:

  10. lyn says:

    This is amazing.

  11. Myiq2xu™ says:

  12. Angie says:

    Ho Lee Phuc! There was a THIRD overdose of a gay black man at that freak Ed Buck’s house in LA.

    This time, the black activists have pressured the DA to bring charges. Good for them.

  13. Angie says:

  14. Dora says:

  15. DeniseVB says:

    Poor Joe.

  16. Dora says:

    • DandyTIger says:

      Always wondered about states effectively having their own EPA. One of those interesting state vs. fed things. Weird how states rights is becoming more of a left thing whereas it used to be right. Also when a state has more rights, somehow people have less rights. Fun for the lawyers.

      • Myiq2xu™ says:

        There is a legal doctrine called “preemption” that says that if the federal government has authority over any area of law, foreign policy, military affairs, immigration, regulating commerce, etc, the states are “preempted” from exercising any authority over that area. That’s why that AZ law regarding arresting illegals and turning them over to ICE was struck down.

        The states are preempted UNLESS the federal government gives them permission.

  17. taw46 says:

    I really like her, she is on FNC a lot.

  18. Dora says:

    That’s telling him!

  19. Dora says:

    So true.

  20. taw46 says:

    There she goes again……..

  21. taw46 says:

  22. Mothy67 says:

    I wanted to tell a yarn but I keep getting lost. Once upon a time there was this coffee house where I worked. I would take these large bags of food to Coventry House. I did it five times a week. Coventry is a shelter for runaway boys. This was 1992. I took a job last year with the same company. They made me sit outside and watch these modules about white privilege. I slept with the manager of the Jiffy Lube next door.
    I think I should get a congressional medal of honor. Who gets the Starbucks virtue signaling and then fucks someone from Jiffy Lube.

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